Fighting Goliath

  Identifying Delusions             In one of my recent delusions, I thought my dad had left his wallet at my apartment. When we met later, I thought he asked me if I had brought his wallet to him.             I simply said in my mind, “No, dad, I didn’t pick up your wallet.”             I felt like he was furious with me. He did not understand why I did not pick up his wallet when I went was at my apartment and bring it to him. That thought caused stress, but it was a delusion. I knew in reality that my dad had not asked about his wallet, but sometimes I get swept up and the delusion seems real. I have schizophrenia. I have delusions like this sometimes, and I usually isolate myself in my apartment, because I feel like the delusions can be written on my face like a movie screen. I do not always like the word craz...

  In Tune with a Broken World               I can only wish that my life was like the saying, “If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it.” However, most people are broken. As a person with schizophrenia, I definitely feel this. The fact I have schizophrenia, I try to figure out what is broken, try to understand it, and figure out how to fix it.             In my younger years, I was going through life blind and ignorantly. I did not see myself as broken, and I had not yet experienced life in the world. I went day to day not understanding the reasoning of my thoughts and actions. I needed to evaluate not just who I was, but where I was going. I thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted to get to A to B, but I did not know how to get there. I now know it takes work. It takes planning.             I think mindfulness and me...

  Imperfections Monitored    I was too young to understand To young to know Imperfections were monitored Lady said I will never talk normal   She took off the collar Connected by a stream of wires To a machine After it vibrated my harmless voice box   Being a child at the time I thought I was receiving shock treatment   Lady said, I will not talk like the other kids.   She picked the wrong word. I said it the wrong way.   Unable to Repent.   Is that an accent? Strangers would ask often. Am I from New York or Bostan? I would stay quiet. Knowing My voice comes through a pen. Black ink flowing off the page. Since I realized I would never talk like the other kids.

  Handling A Stressful Day             For me, the most important day of the month is when I go to the veteran’s hospital where I get my medication. I wake up before 8am to make sure I get a parking spot. I immediately go to the blood lab where I get blood work done to ensure that I am not experiencing any adverse reactions to my medication.   After my blood has been taken, I go to my appointment with my doctor.   This would be a normal schedule for me.   When things do not go as planned, an interruption in the routine can create stress. Stress can be a trigger for my schizophrenia.   I take deep breathes and deal with other triggers like needing a cup of coffee or something to eat from being hungry.   After a large cup of coffee I go to the mental health waiting room where I wait to see my doctor.               The appointment can vary dep...

  A Positive Detour  Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 44, Issue 5, September 2018, Page 947,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw070 Sometimes life can take detours for which you had not planned. Coming out of high school and entering college, I thought I would write poetry and fiction as my career. That was a goal I was moving toward. In many ways I was wearing blinders, but the only thing I cared about was the written word. I spent hours jotting poetry in a spiral notebook that was not far away from my back pocket. I figured I was not going to be a best-selling writer, but I enjoyed the high that came from a single line that provided temporary inspiration. Suddenly a slap to the face knocked the blinders from my eyes. I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. How would this detour affect my writing? In the beginning stages of recovery, I felt no inspiration to write. It was more than a mental block—I lost my inspiration. My inspiration took the form of del...

  How I made the Decision Not to Have Children Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 45, Issue 6, November 2019, Page 1167,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sby102 Published:  02 July 2018   It isn’t because I don’t like kids, because I do.   I get excited with my friends when they post pictures of their kids on social network.   They are beautiful, and I can see that family means so much to my friends.   The best job I ever had was a pre-school teacher’s aide before I joined the Army. Every day was something new with these kids- finger painting, building blocks, singing, and laughing. Watching them learn new ideas and catch on to new concepts was thrilling.   They called me Mr. Jason--what a great title!   As much as I loved being around those pre-schoolers, I made the permanent decision not to have children of my own.             I can't help, however, wondering about the positive ...