Fighting Goliath

  My Relationship With My Caregivers  Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 44, Issue 6, November 2018, Page 1172,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw170        I have had many positive influences in my life since my initial diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. Mental health professionals, as well as family members have played an active role in my continuing recovery. In some instances, it has taken awhile for a relationship to form. I have had 4 or 5 psychiatrists and/or psychologists who have treated me. In the early days, I felt no connection with my therapist. Over time that changed as I found the ones who allow me to be myself.      Seeing the same therapist over a long period time has created trust and acceptance in our relationship. I have a friendly relationship with my therapists which goes a long way toward building trust. I have a regular schedule for seeing them, as well as getting bloodwork and meds. This routine helps m...

  A Day Outside My Comfort Zone             I am mindful about my anxieties in a public place or when I drive my car. Anxieties keep me from having a productive day. It is easy for me to just be inside my apartment where I do not have to worry about people talking about me in public. Inside my apartment I do not feel that someone is going to hurt me. However, I have found some ways for me to let my guard down and escape the comfort zone of my apartment.             I talked to my dad the night before and told him I had an early hair appointment. He suggested I go for breakfast after the appointment. My immediate thought was, “No way.” I remembered the stress of feeling like I had to keep the conversation going at my barber shop so that my barber and the other customers would not think I had some kind of issue going on. That stress would be enough for the day. No, I woul...

 The Hammer: Something to Ignore  Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 44, Issue 3, May 2018, Page 468, https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbv222   I try to walk every day. Occasionally I clean up the trash on the side of the road. You never know what you are going to find. Today I didn’t take a bag to put the trash in, because I felt the sidewalk would be clean from the last time I picked up the trash. However, while walking along today, I found a hammer. I picked up the hammer and held onto it for a moment thinking: There are a few school bus stops on this road. There is a high school a couple of blocks away. I kept walking with the hammer thinking that I didn’t want one of the kids to get hurt by the hammer. Sometimes I feel like Boo Radley, the character in Too Kill a Mocking Bird, who was a recluse. I don’t like feeling this way, so I try to be friendly to my neighbors saying, hi to them and smiling. I continued walking with the hammer in my hand to the intersection and back l...

  My Records vs. Spotify My records are that girl next door you have good conversations with Spotify is that hot blonde in a convertible in paradise Blowing you kisses with a big bank account My records are a cool jazz band relaxing with a load off Spotify is being pampered as you get a massage and pedicure Spotify takes you to Rome My records may be in Jersey You know my records are the first cup of coffee You have been looking forward to since the night before Spotify is sleeping in Honestly, both are a treat I deserve My records are a vanilla cone at Dairy Queen Spotify is a gelato in Florence, Italy Whenever I listen, I fall in love with my records Spotify is just convenient  

  Certainty and Uncertainty of Schizophrenia https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac141               Maybe it would be easier for me to decipher what in my mind is a delusion and what is going on if I lived on a deserted island. However, that is not my reality. I live in an apartment building where I constantly hear my neighbors coming and going rather it is them coming home from work or walking their dogs. I do not always know where the voices in my building are coming from but for the most part I know if the voice is coming from a neighbor or coming from inside my mind.             I am certain when I am in my car, and I hear a voice that it is my schizophrenia. It is the same muffled or quiet like a whisper voice I hear in my bedroom. In my car it is just me, there is no one else around me. I know I would not be able to hear the voice of another driver. In my b...

  Selfcare is a Job             I am blessed that I can live on my own, in my own apartment. I am glad that my parents are just a phone call away if I need to talk about my symptoms or what is going on in my head. I have schizophrenia which is a mental illness, and I must find ways to get through the days. Since I live on my own, I must remember to take my meds. I also must remember to eat and fix my own meals. This kind of selfcare is how I have learned to live my life almost as if it is my job.             I must have a simple routine. There is nothing stopping me from sleeping through the day. There is nothing stopping me from eating a lot of junk food. There is nothing stopping me from disobeying rules and regulations I have set up for myself, but I need to make wise choices for my own wellbeing.             ...