Taking on Goliath (And Winning)

  Surviving the Voices Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 44, Issue 4, July 2018, Page 706 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw143             Most people living with schizophrenia have a grandiose voice or voices which feed their delusions--mixing some parts of reality and some parts of fantasy.   When a patient becomes stable he/she learns to check the evidence in determining whether or not the delusion is real.   It is like checking for rainbows after a storm, or finally seeing light in a dark place. The grandiose voice comes from that mixture of a person's genetics and life experiences.               For an example one might have a grandiose idea that he is a boxer. Maybe from watching Rocky movies or highlights of Mohammad Ali fights. These experiences might lead the person with untreated schizophrenia to believe he is a boxer. This grandiose idea, no...

  What is Triggering my Stress? Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 50, Issue 1, January 2024, Pages 9-10, https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac009 Published: 07 February 2022             There are times when I know that stress in my life is triggering my schizoaffective symptoms. I have to do an evaluation to determine what is causing that stress. It could be just underneath the surface, and I have difficulty putting into words what is causing the stress. Often the best way to find what is stressing me out, what it is just underneath the surface, is talking to a close friend, family member, or doctor. I am constantly reminded; I cannot do this alone. I need support to get through these anxious times.             Recently I have a major life even coming up in my life. I am moving to South Carolina to be close to my family. I will be living close to the beach in an area w...

  Life Today on 9/11/2026               Today marks the twenty fifth anniversary of when America was attacked. To put it lightly, I felt weak and sad. I needed therapy which for me was walking to the Veteran’s hospital a few blocks from my apartment. I usually walk along the perimeter passing the employees and other veterans.             I guess I was feeling down because I had the best intentions, feeling the need to be patriotic and serve my country. Severe mental illness does not care about good intentions or feeling the need to be patriotic. However, walking around the VA grounds centers me. I was not in the army for very long, but I did serve dealing with the clashes of different personalities.             Some of the other veterans that I pass during my walk wear ballcaps that say, “Air Force Veteran,...

  Changing My Perspective About My Mental Illness             When I was younger, I do not remember any of my friends being diagnosed with mental illness.   One of my friends had attention deficit disorder for which he was prescribed medication, but I knew no one who had a serious mental illness.   No one in my family had a mental illness, so my perspective about mental illness was limited, at best.   I now know that mental illness is all around us whether we acknowledge it or not.   Some statistics say that one in four people have mental illness or know someone who has. My perspective changed drastically when a few years ago, I was diagnosed with serious mental illness.                   I had come back from the army and the transition was not going well.   One of my earliest memories of psychosis is when I thought I could u...

 AVENUES OF SUPPORT Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 45, Issues, January 2019, Page 6 https://doi.org/10.1093/scbul/sbx047  A person suffering from schizophrenia needs emotional support--a counselor, a doctor, or even a friend or family member who has done some research on this brain disorder.  The conclusion reached after talking to this trusted person may always be the same--I hear, see, and sometimes, even smell, things that are not happening.  These symptoms occur because I have schizophrenia.  Even though I take my medication and try to reduce the stressors in my life, I will still sometimes experience the symptoms.  The difference is in my response to those symptoms.  I don't have to react to them because they are not actually going on in my reality. Sometimes my symptoms feel like a boiling pot that is about to boil over.  In real life, I can turn down the heat, so the water doesn't boil over. Recently I decided to go to my favorite hambu...

  My Cognitive Issues and Schizophrenia Schizophrenia Bulletin, sbaf225, https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbaf225 Published: 11 December 2025   I guess I did not fully understand what the word cognitive actually meant as it relates to my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I just thought I was getting older, and I could be forgetful. However, a podcast by some of my advocate friends gave me a better understanding of what forgetfulness means in my life. A funny part of the podcast happened when one of the hosts forgot his train of thought. A loss of cognition can be a part of schizophrenia, and for me sometimes it can be a combination of delusions and forgetfulness. Even though I know about most of the triggers that influence my delusions, being forgetful can be there too. Some evenings it feels like delusions of the people in my head are trying to trick me or make me forget things I need to remember. I honestly did not know what was going on, but I knew it was my ...

  Fighting the Loneliness By Jason Jepson   I haven't always had to fight loneliness and isolation.   When I was younger I loved going out to listen to live music.   Dancing was a fun way for me to interact with others.   I enjoyed being social and was always looking for a place to meet friends at a bar or show.   All of that has changed since my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.   Fighting loneliness has become part of my new normal.   Isolating myself because of my mental illness can easily lead to loneliness and depression in my life now.             One Saturday evening a few years ago I decided to count how many beers I had consumed in a 24 hour period.   I counted 19.   I realized at that moment, I have to rethink my alcohol consumption.             Before my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, my life sty...

  Filling Time and Space after Trauma                           When I came home from my time in the U.S. Army, I was overpowered by voices, paranoia, and delusions from my schizoaffective disorder. It is an invisible illness that turns your brain into a slave to symptoms. I thought the voices and the false impulses could be heard by my parents. I thought my symptoms were turning my parents against me. I thought they were listening and being influence by the “enemy” voices inside my “mental atmosphere,” inside my mind yet out in the open. My brain disorder felt like it was infinite.             Life was not easy for me in the military. My superiors did not know how to manage my insubordinations, and the fact I just did not fit what they were trying to accomplish. I thought the other soldiers could see my...

  Adults at Play               Recently, I saw the movie “The Sandlot.” I had watched this movie before, and one scene is always a highlight for me. It is the scene when the boys finally get over the fence. They followed “The beast” to a pit filled with baseballs so many it was hard to count all of them.             Sanchez says, “Now we can play forever.”             Isn’t that the secret…playing forever?             I was reminded of my time as a pre-school teacher’s aide. One of my favorite commands after I tied a shoe or wiped a nose was “Go play.” They knew what that meant. Also, how could I forget children pulling me to play along? How could I not?             “Mr. Jason, play with me!!” ...

 Motivation for Writing Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 45, Issue 6, November 2019, Pages 1165-1166 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sby042       In addition to my first person account writings, I like to write poetry.  Should someone ask me to use an analogy to describe my writing process, I would answer that writing to me is like water skiing.  In writing, as in water skiing, there is that tug that I feel when an idea tries to take hold.  My schizophrenia causes words to just pop up, and sometimes I have to maneuver around them, not knowing what will make sense.  All it takes is an idea to pull me up, and I hold onto it, letting the words flow.      In water skiing there may be a few wakes to cross or obstacles to dodge in the path.  I try to get all my ideas down on paper, knowing that some of my written thoughts will be edited to make my writing clear and easier to understand.  Sometimes I am the only one who knows e...

  My Schizophrenia Checklist Schizophrenia Bulletin, volume 52, issue 1, January 2026, sbac 207 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac207 published : 19 January 2023               One important milestone in my schizophrenia recovery story happened when I was staying in a homeless respite. I had been hospitalized, and this was the next step to my beginning to live on my own again. I was beginning to feel clearer, and the medication I had been prescribed started to take hold. Gradually my symptoms started to subside. I accepted that I did, in fact, have schizophrenia and all the doctors I had talked to were right. I understood schizophrenia was a severe mental illness, and its symptoms of delusions and hearing voices might not ever fully go away. I wanted to understand the general symptoms of my brain disease. I began to make a checklist of my symptoms that I took to my therapy sessions with my psychiatrist. I could s...

  Summer Rain   Steam breathing from the asphalt As I smell the summer rain Falling from daydream blue skies and bitesize cotton ball clouds Not regretting I got my car washed before Love these cool breeze moments Never lose sight of the tip-toe sprinkles While walking to my mailbox Neighbor trying to get her steps in Went back to my apartment To listen to the discord of my youth On my vinyl, best friend memories

  Words. How I Use Them             Do you remember the old saying heard on the playground, “Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words can never hurt me?” People often throw around words like “crazy” or “psychotic” to describe those with a mental health diagnosis. The word “psychotic” is not necessarily a stigmatizing word, but people sometimes use it as an insult. Most of the insults I have experienced are inside my head when my paranoia or delusions take over. Self-stigmatizing can also be a product of our experiences.             I experienced hazing in the military. If it were not for that event, it would likely have been some other traumatic event to bring out my schizophrenia. Yes, I said it: I have schizophrenia, specifically schizoaffective disorder. An urgent call by my parents to the police made me realize I needed help. Those events, as horrible as th...