Taking on Goliath (And Winning)

 Motivation for Writing Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 45, Issue 6, November 2019, Pages 1165-1166 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sby042       In addition to my first person account writings, I like to write poetry.  Should someone ask me to use an analogy to describe my writing process, I would answer that writing to me is like water skiing.  In writing, as in water skiing, there is that tug that I feel when an idea tries to take hold.  My schizophrenia causes words to just pop up, and sometimes I have to maneuver around them, not knowing what will make sense.  All it takes is an idea to pull me up, and I hold onto it, letting the words flow.      In water skiing there may be a few wakes to cross or obstacles to dodge in the path.  I try to get all my ideas down on paper, knowing that some of my written thoughts will be edited to make my writing clear and easier to understand.  Sometimes I am the only one who knows e...

  My Schizophrenia Checklist Schizophrenia Bulletin, volume 52, issue 1, January 2026, sbac 207 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac207 published : 19 January 2023               One important milestone in my schizophrenia recovery story happened when I was staying in a homeless respite. I had been hospitalized, and this was the next step to my beginning to live on my own again. I was beginning to feel clearer, and the medication I had been prescribed started to take hold. Gradually my symptoms started to subside. I accepted that I did, in fact, have schizophrenia and all the doctors I had talked to were right. I understood schizophrenia was a severe mental illness, and its symptoms of delusions and hearing voices might not ever fully go away. I wanted to understand the general symptoms of my brain disease. I began to make a checklist of my symptoms that I took to my therapy sessions with my psychiatrist. I could s...

  Summer Rain   Steam breathing from the asphalt As I smell the summer rain Falling from daydream blue skies and bitesize cotton ball clouds Not regretting I got my car washed before Love these cool breeze moments Never lose sight of the tip-toe sprinkles While walking to my mailbox Neighbor trying to get her steps in Went back to my apartment To listen to the discord of my youth On my vinyl, best friend memories

  Words. How I Use Them             Do you remember the old saying heard on the playground, “Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words can never hurt me?” People often throw around words like “crazy” or “psychotic” to describe those with a mental health diagnosis. The word “psychotic” is not necessarily a stigmatizing word, but people sometimes use it as an insult. Most of the insults I have experienced are inside my head when my paranoia or delusions take over. Self-stigmatizing can also be a product of our experiences.             I experienced hazing in the military. If it were not for that event, it would likely have been some other traumatic event to bring out my schizophrenia. Yes, I said it: I have schizophrenia, specifically schizoaffective disorder. An urgent call by my parents to the police made me realize I needed help. Those events, as horrible as th...

  Be an above Average Whiteboy             I was in my sophomore year of high school and on my way to screen printing class when a black student put his fist up to the sun and shouted, “It’s your world Whitey!”             I instantly thought, “My world? I don’t want it! You take it!”             The student was also in my screen-printing class, and later in the year, we actually became friends, such good friends that one day he asked me what my nationality was. I thought he was asking about my speech impediment-it did give a slight accent.             He told me that he knew about my speech impediment, and he didn’t care about that. He added that he never got along this well with a white person. I could relate to his statement because I had never gotten alo...

  A Blessing in Disguise             Back during Corona Virus restrictions and my diagnosis of schizophrenia, I do not have a problem with self-isolation.   There are many days when I have no social interaction at all except for calling my parents.   Because of my schizophrenia I tend to shy away from large social gatherings.   Receiving news that a close relative whom I enjoyed from my childhood had died from Covid, caused me to want to stay isolated even more. However, recently I learned a lesson about how much freedom can be found by venturing outside the boundaries I have created.             Recently I was able to buy a brand-new car. Since my parents live about two hours away, having my own car allows me to be independent which is important to me.   My daily schedule is flexible, meaning there are some days where I do not drive at all, however, I pu...

  Facing Negative Symptoms and Unwanted Side Effects From my Psyche Meds Which are Taken for My Schizoaffective Disorder               My daily routine varies from day to day. Sometimes there are more items on my to-do list than others. I spread my list throughout the week so I will have something to do on any given day. Today might as well have been a free day since the only thing I felt like I needed to do was to take a walk and start a new book on audible.             I know I cannot predict the symptoms of my schizoaffective diagnosis. Just like I cannot predict the side effects of the medication I take for my mental health diagnosis. Looking back on today, however, I feel like I should have more receptive to my feelings about taking a day off for rest instead of pushing myself to walk when I did not want to do so. I continued my walk, but the feelings of laz...

 Teach them to be self aware Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 39, Issue 3, Published 01 November 2012 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbs126 Several Schizophrenics think that their voices and delusions are true. I have been on my medications for years now, and even I have to tell myself that I am not that popular. You probably think that sounds simple enough. If I don’t do that I do my best to ignore them.  I believe that most schizophrenics do hear positive voices in their head. I thought I could hear the voice of God, and it was God who told me to refer myself to mental health at Fort Irwin California. I also thought it was a voice of God who told me that I will get the help I needed in my second stay in the psyche ward. Believe it or not I think it was that voice that helped me to be self aware to question what I was feeling or in some cases ask if something was really going on. I sometimes hear negative voices too. They can be insulting and they can tell me to kill myself...

 Never Mind... I Have Car Insurance Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 46, Issue 2 Published 28 November 2018 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sby174  I had a full time job at an Italian restaurant, and I was flunking out of college. I was just in a relationship that ended badly, and I thought the friends of my former girlfriend were spreading rumors about me. When I was by myself or walking to my job, I often heard mean voices calling me a loser and other bad things. I had stopped going to class because the voices in my head coming from two people or a crowd were making me feel inadequate and alienated. I thought they were making fun of me, for whatever reason.  I know now it was the start of a break down.  The only thing that was going good for me was that I had good loyal friends that would do whatever I asked them to do. They would listen to me, but they did not have the help that I needed.  As I tried to reach out to them, I know now that some of my behavior ...

 The Lifestyle Change When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I enjoyed drinking alcohol with my friends. It wiped away my inhibitions, and I felt invincible. I understand why some might enjoy alcoholic beverages, but when you consume as  I did--five or six times a week and several beers at a time, drinking alcohol becomes unhealthy, not to mention expensive. When I was drinking I was not trying to escape life or running from anything, I just liked the way it made me feel. A cigarette and a beer was all I needed to relax, and I did that with a very regular frequency! I remember one particular Friday night I decided to count how many beers I drank that day and evening.  I bought a twelve pack of beer from the grocery store which I drank throughout the day.  After that I went to a nearby bar and had seven more beers. Yes, that's nineteen beers in a twenty-four hour period.  Clearly I had a serious problem.  I could not have just one beer and stop....

  Coping with My Delusions Schizophrenia Bulletin, volume 47, Issue 4, July 2021, Page 888 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbaa189 Published: 22 January 2021                             One of the common symptoms of my schizophrenia is that, on occasion, I have delusions. I try to do everything I can to manage my symptoms, but I do have a mental illness that has no cure, even though it can be controlled by medication.   My delusions are sometimes like stories in my mind often accompanied by pictures and the voices of people I might not have seen for many years.   The fact that a delusion involves familiar people or places makes it seems even more real.   That is why it took me awhile to accept that these delusions were not based in reality.             An example of a recent delus...

  Reflections Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 45, Issue 3, May 2019, Page 502 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbx186              Looking back there are steps in my recovery from mental illness that I was totally unaware of as I was going through them.   Recently I’ve been thinking about the positive steps in my recovery.               It began when I finally accepted my mental illness and became consistent with my medication.   I realized that this was how life was going to be.   I would have this illness for the rest of my life.   It would be up to me to have a voice in how my future would develop.             After I left the hospital for the second time, I went into a homeless respite for a period of time.   After being confined to a hospital I enjoyed this newfound freedom and...

  What to say and what not to say                         I guess it is a kind of intelligence to know what to say and what not to say. It takes a special kind of intellect to quickly understand if a stranger will understand or not understand. I have not necessarily mastered it, but I do my best to try to understand a new acquaintance.             I was born with a speech impediment. At a young age, I realize that some words I cannot say, because some people will not be able to understand. I figured I would be misunderstood. I was comfortable staying quiet. Luckily, I discovered writing, and quickly I learned this was the best way for me to communicate. My speech impediment was having trouble with the “r’ sound.             I may have gotten better with my s...

  Being Present in My Treatment             With my treatment I know I just can not wait to be complacent and actively involved in my treatment plan. I have to show my face and introduce myself to those who are part of my support team.             I have been in the VA system since about 2006. During that period of time, I have seen several different psychiatrists. Every time I get a new doctor, I have to reintroduce myself. In doing so, I want to present my best self, so I want to be seen as a person who cares. I try not to be late for the appointment, and I try to be patient with them as they get to know me and my mental health history. I realize I am not the only patient they see, and in most cases, they are over worked. I take a deep breath, share my past symptoms, and present symptoms. I want them to know that I am more than just a computer screen. I am more than a...