Taking on Goliath (And Winning)

  Lessons Learned from Checking the Evidence Schizophrenia Bulletin, sba109 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbaf109             Last night there were two police cars in the parking lot of my apartment. Being near the police is often a trigger for my paranoia. I have a delusion that the police are waiting for me to run so they can catch me and put me in prison for something I may have done in my late teens and twenties. On this occasion, their blue lights were on, and I could see them outside my window, and I thought they were looking at me.             I continuously looked out my window until finally I went back to watching my TV. I eventually decided they must know where I am so if they want me, they can get me. However, no one knocked on my door or called me. I got swept up in the game show I was watching, and when I went back to the window the police had left. T...

  What I want my Neighbors to Know about My Schizophrenia               I live in an apartment complex in a busy part of my town.   From my second floor balcony, I can see my neighbors coming and going from their jobs, appointments, and other activities.   I don't really know any of my neighbors on a personal level.   I live a rather isolated life except for occasional visits from my family.   So my interactions with my neighbors consist of a polite "Hello, how are you?" or "Have a nice day," exchanges.   I sometimes wonder how they would react towards me if they knew I have a diagnosed severe mental illness.             Most people know that a mental illness involves one's thinking or behavior.   However, people may not know that all mental illnesses can be treated with a combination of medication and/or therapy.   I take antip...

  In Touch with My Surroundings             When I exercise, I like to listen to music. Like many others, I enjoy walking to the beat of music. The right song or music helps to set a rhythm to my walking. However, recently I have been walking without listening to music, so I will not be distracted and can concentrate on my surroundings. I have schizophrenia which sometimes alters my perception of what is going on around me. When I am not listening to music, I try to use my senses to recognize what is real and to experience what is really going on.             In my neighborhood I do not see “No Trespassing,” signs. It is as if want to encourage people to walk or ride their bikes. It is nice to see kind faces sharing their day with me. Sometimes there is a nice breeze. There are always cars on the road, but it is a pedestrian friendly neighborhood, so they stop for walk...

  Filling Holes So People Don’t Trip     I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it does get better. Today, my words are my advocacy, and my advocacy is my legacy. There have been times in life that have made me cry, and also other times that have made me smile. I learned that holding onto the past and negativity can become a heavy burden that I am not willing to bear. I am middle -age now, and I realize I will not live forever, so I want to make a difference wherever I can.             In my life, I have been a teacher’s aide, a dishwasher, a soldier, and now a writer. I am not wealthy, nor do I ever expect to have great wealth, but I value the experiences that have taught me lessons during my life. With all my experience, I have concluded that my purpose is to fill holes that have been left for someone else to trip over. There have been various times in life where if I did not do my best to fill these ...

  The Testimony of Invisible Scars             God has delivered. God has provided. Even when I was at my lowest. He was there.             I take medication for my schizophrenia. It really busted out of my psyche when I experience hazing in the United States Army. I was duct tape. Now was I acting out? Was I being disrespectful? Yes, but I didn’t deserve to be duct tape.             Looking back I don’t think my relationship with God would be as strong as it is now had I not faced the storm.             My parents provided a wonderful life for me to grow up. I grew up in a nice neighborhood. I even had a tv and stereo in my room. When I turned 16 they provided me with a car which I crashed. Were they upset with me? Oh yes very much so, but they got over it....

 Jason’s Permanent Grass Jason liked all the colors in his crayon box. He had a brother who was already reading and spelling his own name. He had two parents who hid on purpose the permanent magic markers. Jason did not understand this. He wished his brother would help him out, but his brother was too busy reading.  There was a grey pencil on Jason’s coloring table in his faded blue jeans and white t-shirt. When Jason thought of his boring grey pencil, he thought of a cloudy rainy day, a day where he could not go out and play; a day where the greens of the grass could shine reminding him of the stains on his jeans.  Jason’s crayon box did not just have green. It had what he believed was every color. It had so many colors with a dull point at the end that this viewer could not name them all. It had midnight blue, gold, golden yellow, forest green, red orange to name a few.  Jason often couldn’t figure out why he had a room in his house with just one color. His ki...