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Beware of Triggers

  Beware of Triggers Recently I was watching the movie, A Few Good Men, which was a favorite of mine, even before I joined the army. It has good acting and a good twist and turn storyline. The plot of the movie centers around the trial of two marines who participated in a hazing incident in which they were ordered to put a tainted rag down a weaker marine’s throat and then to tape his mouth shut. As I watched an actor describing in full detail what had happened, in my mind, I was transported back to a night in the desert when I was in the army, and I had a similar experience.             I try not to dwell on this traumatic event, but as I watched the movie, I relived my horrible experience from the Mojave Desert. I quickly turned off the television, but the thoughts of my own encounter came roaring back, and I found myself experiencing the incident all over again.           ...
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My Impulsivity

  My Impulsivity Schizophrenia Bulletin Open, volume 5, Issue 1, January 2024, sgae014 http://doi.org/10.1093/schizobullopen/sgae014               I often wonder why I feel the need to post on social media when my post will sometimes be considered insignificant. Is it just the instant gratification of seeing if people agree with me? How productive is it really when I share my story online repeatedly?             I googled my mental illness recently and learned something new about my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I learned that impulsiveness can be a characteristic of schizophrenia. I quickly recognized impulsivity as a problem in my social media posts. Like many, I want instant gratification from others when I share my thoughts about mental illness online. Even reading about impulsivity, I felt the immediate need to post about my own impulsivity. ...
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Understanding My Delusions

  Understanding My Delusion               A psychiatrist once told me in her opinion I understand my illness better than most of her patients. I took that as a compliment because I have worked hard to understand my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder in order to recognize my symptoms. For example, it is important to know that the belief that someone is in love with me isn’t really going on, but probably a delusion.             I have a chart about schizophrenia’s positive symptoms on my refrigerator. I usually look at it after I have a delusion such as feeling stalked, hunted, framed, or tricked.   The voices in my head often make me forget what I want to say or make me forget where I put things that I need at the time.   I've learned this is another one of the common delusions of schizoaffective disorder called   persecutory delusions.  ...
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Surviving the Voices

  Surviving the Voices Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 44, Issue 4, July 2018, Page 706 https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw143             Most people living with schizophrenia have a grandiose voice or voices which feed their delusions--mixing some parts of reality and some parts of fantasy.   When a patient becomes stable he/she learns to check the evidence in determining whether or not the delusion is real.   It is like checking for rainbows after a storm, or finally seeing light in a dark place. The grandiose voice comes from that mixture of a person's genetics and life experiences.               For an example one might have a grandiose idea that he is a boxer. Maybe from watching Rocky movies or highlights of Mohammad Ali fights. These experiences might lead the person with untreated schizophrenia to believe he is a boxer. This grandiose idea, no...
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What is Triggering my Stress?

  What is Triggering my Stress? Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 50, Issue 1, January 2024, Pages 9-10, https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac009 Published: 07 February 2022             There are times when I know that stress in my life is triggering my schizoaffective symptoms. I have to do an evaluation to determine what is causing that stress. It could be just underneath the surface, and I have difficulty putting into words what is causing the stress. Often the best way to find what is stressing me out, what it is just underneath the surface, is talking to a close friend, family member, or doctor. I am constantly reminded; I cannot do this alone. I need support to get through these anxious times.             Recently I have a major life even coming up in my life. I am moving to South Carolina to be close to my family. I will be living close to the beach in an area w...
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Life Today on 9/11/2026

  Life Today on 9/11/2026               Today marks the twenty fifth anniversary of when America was attacked. To put it lightly, I felt weak and sad. I needed therapy which for me was walking to the Veteran’s hospital a few blocks from my apartment. I usually walk along the perimeter passing the employees and other veterans.             I guess I was feeling down because I had the best intentions, feeling the need to be patriotic and serve my country. Severe mental illness does not care about good intentions or feeling the need to be patriotic. However, walking around the VA grounds centers me. I was not in the army for very long, but I did serve dealing with the clashes of different personalities.             Some of the other veterans that I pass during my walk wear ballcaps that say, “Air Force Veteran,...
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Changing My Perspective About My Mental Illness

  Changing My Perspective About My Mental Illness             When I was younger, I do not remember any of my friends being diagnosed with mental illness.   One of my friends had attention deficit disorder for which he was prescribed medication, but I knew no one who had a serious mental illness.   No one in my family had a mental illness, so my perspective about mental illness was limited, at best.   I now know that mental illness is all around us whether we acknowledge it or not.   Some statistics say that one in four people have mental illness or know someone who has. My perspective changed drastically when a few years ago, I was diagnosed with serious mental illness.                   I had come back from the army and the transition was not going well.   One of my earliest memories of psychosis is when I thought I could u...
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