Taking on Goliath (And Winning)

  The Testimony of Invisible Scars             God has delivered. God has provided. Even when I was at my lowest. He was there.             I take medication for my schizophrenia. It really busted out of my psyche when I experience hazing in the United States Army. I was duct tape. Now was I acting out? Was I being disrespectful? Yes, but I didn’t deserve to be duct tape.             Looking back I don’t think my relationship with God would be as strong as it is now had I not faced the storm.             My parents provided a wonderful life for me to grow up. I grew up in a nice neighborhood. I even had a tv and stereo in my room. When I turned 16 they provided me with a car which I crashed. Were they upset with me? Oh yes very much so, but they got over it....

 Jason’s Permanent Grass Jason liked all the colors in his crayon box. He had a brother who was already reading and spelling his own name. He had two parents who hid on purpose the permanent magic markers. Jason did not understand this. He wished his brother would help him out, but his brother was too busy reading.  There was a grey pencil on Jason’s coloring table in his faded blue jeans and white t-shirt. When Jason thought of his boring grey pencil, he thought of a cloudy rainy day, a day where he could not go out and play; a day where the greens of the grass could shine reminding him of the stains on his jeans.  Jason’s crayon box did not just have green. It had what he believed was every color. It had so many colors with a dull point at the end that this viewer could not name them all. It had midnight blue, gold, golden yellow, forest green, red orange to name a few.  Jason often couldn’t figure out why he had a room in his house with just one color. His ki...

  The Feeling   Sometimes I step out in the cold rain just to feel The touch of raindrops caressing my bare head. Just me, I feel apathy over routine. The feeling of nothing is invisible, like inhaling and Exhaling breath. I feel it and see it in my expanding chest. The raindrops are dry, but the chill remains. Typically, I choose to relax alone, Depending only on myself. No weight on my shoulders to perform No one grappling for apiece of my heart. My heart beats only for me   In solitude, I deserted the crowd. My eyes grow weary as the night invades the sunlight. My covers and pillows erase the stress of the day. I begin to see tomorrow in a new light. There will be coffee; there will be optimism; there will be The relief of another day. I am my own symphony, and my heart applauds.  

    Dealing with Schizophrenia in a Crowded Restaurant               When I wake up early for a doctor’s appointment, I treat myself to breakfast at a local restaurant. It is a friendly place. Something I enjoy doing when I am in a public place is people watching. However, I must be careful because most people are not comfortable knowing that someone is staring at them.             This restaurant has a TV, so I can watch sports highlights in order to tune out the voices and paranoia that come from my schizophrenia diagnosis. Watching TV allows me to tune out those around me who I feel are reading my mind. Despite the fact I might feel that way, I still try to be alert to the server who is taking my order. I want to smile and appear to be a friendly person.             After my order is taken, I either...

  How Do You Know If You Are in La La Land?  Jason A Jepson Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 43, Issue 4, July 2017, Page 683,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbu081 Schizophrenia—It is like being in a crowd sometimes and everyone is making you turn turn turn around to listen to them but you are too busy driving the bus. Here are some questions to ask yourself or a person living with schizophrenia: ·          Do you believe someone is stealing something from you? ·          Are you getting messages from the TV or radio that no one else can hear? ·          Do you hear voices in your head no one else can hear? ·          Do you believe a person or persons can inject you with their thoughts or take your thoughts away? ·          Do you believe people are agains...

  My First Tele-Conference             Recently I had my first tele-conference with my psychiatrist. I have had a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder for several years now, and I have received excellent care from my doctors at the large VA hospital in my city. However, I recently moved to a new state which required a change to all new doctors at a new VA clinic. The new clinic is close to my apartment, but it is not a large hospital with all of the doctors on site. On my first visit to the clinic, I learned that my next appointment with my psychiatrist would take place by teleconference, and he was in a large city located about two hours away.               When the day arrived for my appointment, I reported to the clinic as I had always done in the past. My bloodwork had been completed, and I was prepared for the conference with my psychiatrist. I thought I woul...