Mental Health Symptoms: I Wish They Had Known
Mental[JJ1]
Health Symptoms: I Wish They Had Known
Things were not going well for me. I tried to find my way
by going to college, working, training to be a firefighter – but nothing fit.
And then – 9/11 happened and my desire to do something for my wounded country
emerged. The best way for me to respond was to join the Army. That direction
would be a good fit.
So,
I headed off to basic training; it was a grueling yet satisfying experience.
The structure and comradery were a welcomed addition to my life. After graduation
from basic and advanced training, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction and pride.
The other privates in my platoon were like family. Unlike the National Guard
privates who had trained with us, the soldiers in the “real army,” like me, were “shipped” off to their
first duty stations. My first assignment resulted in a one-way ticket to
southern California and Fort
Irwin in the Mojave Desert. Leaving my graduation at Fort Knox, I became
emotional as my parents drove me to the Louisville Airport. It hit me that I would
never see the guys who had become like family. We did a U turn and returned to
the post so I could say “goodbye” and wish all of my “buddies” all the best. We
were all headed towards an uncertain future.
The
Mojave Desert was a different world. I was a whole continent away from my home
in Richmond, Virginia. Where I had once looked out on the green hills, I now
looked out on the barren desert. Making friends in this new place seemed more
difficult for me than at anytime in my life. I felt very lonely, and the
remoteness of Fort Irwin created in me a feeling of isolation that I had never
experienced before. I grew lonelier every day, until I finally slipped into
depression. My new duty station was a letdown from learning how to be a
soldier at Fort Knox. Unfortunately, beer and cigarettes became my therapy and
escape from reality.
The comradery experienced in basic training was nowhere
to be found. I did my best to keep up with the physical training but struggled
with the duties of a soldier, like ironing my uniform and shaving in the field.
Along with these problems, I began to isolate myself, even
more, and my fellow soldiers wanted nothing to do with me, not even
giving me a ride to our workplace. I really wanted to be a good soldier, but no
one was willing to help me. They made it clear I was not welcomed.
Finally, one day the other soldiers showed their disdain
for me by subjecting me to a hazing incident where I was duct taped into a
fetal position. After that
incident, I became a different person. This is when my mental health
symptoms emerged in full force. My world split into delusional reality and the
real world that other soldiers lived in. These two worlds were constantly
competing with each other. Part of my delusional world told me that I had
special powers and I thought I could make eye contact and communicate through
my brain.
After that
hazing experience, my mental health began a steep downward spiral. I acted
erratically, and I thought I knew what the other soldiers were thinking so I repeated
their thoughts aloud which caused them to think I was acting out and being
difficult. Now I know that this was the first signs of what would be later
diagnosed as schizophrenia. Thinking my “special powers” could help the Army, and
I could be a valuable asset, I visited an office with
a sign that said, “Mental Health.”
I saw the sign when a random person was driving me to
work. Even though I thought I had special powers, I thought the soldiers in
there could direct me to where I needed to be so my “special powers” could be
used. Maybe they would send me some place else where I would fit in.
In the Mental Health office, the people in charge sat me down at a
computer to do an online test of multiple choice questions. As I was taking the
test, my delusions made me think that spirits were flying all around me. I
thought the spirits were helping me with the test, so I answered affirmatively
to a question about visual hallucinations. After the conclusion of the tests,
the specialist told me, with a surprised look on his face, that I likely had
schizophrenia and I would need to go to Balboa Naval Hospital which was several
hours away.
The soldiers in mental health sent me to the Naval
hospital where I felt relaxed because I did not have to hold my guard up. I
remember sleeping very well at the
hospital because I felt safe and did not have to defend myself from the
other soldiers who did not understand what I was going through. At the Naval hospital, the diagnosis of schizophrenia was
confirmed. No one from my duty station at Fort Irwin contacted me directly
while I was there except when it was time to go back to Fort Irwin.
When I returned from the psyche ward to my duty station, my superiors put me in
sick bay. I was the only one
there. It was as if they thought my
mental illness was contagious and could be transmitted to the other soldiers. I was not seen by a doctor during
this time, but I was given pills which I did not take. I still did not think I
had a mental illness, but I assumed the Army was trying to find a way to kick
me out in disgrace. I was given a new assignment as the janitor for
headquarters. I still had
no contact with the other soldiers, and I did not understand what was going on.
I decided to talk to the post commander which was a bigger deal than it sounds
considering I was just a private. I told him I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and I wanted
to go home. This was the first time I admitted to having schizophrenia, and
even then, I still thought I had special powers. The commander agreed, and I
went through out processing where I got a certificate of Honorable Discharge
which I thought was important so I could get my veteran benefits. The Honorable Discharge also told me
that, in spite of the enemies I had made, my service was honorable. I do not
think my fellow soldiers, or the authorities agreed with the honorable
discharge. I did not care because I would never see them again. After that I
drove cross country back to Richmond, Virginia with my Honorable Discharge
sitting beside me on the passenger seat. All the way home I was experiencing
voices, delusions, and hallucinations.
Those
experiences are in the past, but I often wonder, what would have happened if
those in charge had recognized that my erratic behaviors were due to mental
health issues. Instead of reducing my pay and assigning extra duties I wish
they had immediately recognized I was not just acting out, but I was struggling
with my mental health. Those with authority should be trained to recognize when
a soldier is self-isolating and experiencing the symptoms of mental illness. Those
soldiers in the Mojave Desert did not see the real me. They saw a soldier who
was insubordinate and acting out in numerous ways. No one ever bothered to ask “why.” Rather, they took my
behavior personally instead of trying to look for causes. They wanted to
punish me rather than help me. I did not fit the model of a good soldier, and
they did not understand why I could not learn how to be compliant. I, on the
other hand, was in turmoil. I desperately needed help, but no one around me
knew how to recognize a person who was in a mental health crisis.
Recognizing my symptoms and providing help or support
would have been a better alternative. When I was in the desert, I thought everyone
was against me. After dealing with my shenanigans, those in charge wanted to
make sure I was punished. Sometimes people cannot manage life and deserve a
mental health refuge instead of punishment. Doing so could save the person’s
life. No one gave me that option. Thankfully, I referred myself and began a
journey to recovery. Consistently
taking my medications, seeing psychiatrists regularly, and constantly
questioning what is real and what is not have allowed me to experience days
where my symptoms are managed. I have a dedicated support team and a daily
routine that further help me to live a normal life.
I sincerely hope that my experience is the exception, and
not a common occurrence in the military today. Writing this account has been
very enlightening for me. I
learned I can be satisfied with my past—I did everything I could to make my
military experience a success. My mental illness diagnosis was not my fault. I have learned much about mental illness and
forgiveness. However, everyone, no matter what their position in life should
take it upon themselves to learn about the signs and symptoms of mental
illness. Afterall, one in four of us will be affected by mental illness, so we have an obligation to
understand and offer help as we are able.
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