Thinking Out Loud

 

The Experiences That May Have Caused My Psychosis

 

An article in the United Kingdom paper The Telegraph suggests that events in a person’s

life can lead to mental illness. (28 March 2016 by Sarah Knapton, Science Editor, The

Telegraph)  Most of the information I have read about mental illness implies that mental illness

is most often associated with genes, but this new information tells me that it shouldn’t be

genetics getting all the research. 

Recently I thought of the U.K article again when in my home town,  a gunman, with

seemingly no cause, opened fired and killed a police officer at the local bus station. I wondered

what events in his life may have led to this horribly, sad situation. 

The article and the recent shooting caused me to reflect on what events in my own life

might have led to my diagnosis of schizophrenia.  I was reminded of three life changing events

that may have affected my reality and possibly contributed to my mental health diagnosis. 

One of the events happened when I was in the fifth grade. Since the age of three, I had

speech therapy because of delayed speech development. I did not know this particular day was

going to be my last speech class. I was sitting at a table when my speech therapist said, “You

will never talk like the other kids.”  She went on to say that I could continue my speech therapy, 

but my situation would not improve significantly. My interpretation, as a nine year old kid was

that I had no hope of speaking clearly.  Her words made me feel weird, and I felt like a part of

me was shutting down as I faced a future where I would not communicate clearly. 

Another major life event occurred when I was in college, after I broke up with my

girlfriend.  Although I had initiated the break up, and felt really guilty for hurting her feelings, I

couldn't seem to get past my own guilt in this situation.

During this time while I was wrestling with my feeling about hurting this person that I

had cared about,  I was driving my car when suddenly it began to sound like an old lawnmower.

About that time I hit a bump and heard something dragging behind my Honda. I pulled

over at a gas station when I noticed the tail pipe had been sawed away and now it was lying on

the concrete of the street.  I decided it was my ex-girlfriend. Who else could it be? She was the

only one who had a problem with me.  Driving back to my apartment, with the sound of the tail

pipe clacking on the street and passersby staring oddly trying to figure out the noise, I felt like

my psyche was being ripped apart.

A few years later, I had joined the Army and was stationed at Fort Irwin in the Mojave

Desert of California.  My duties there involved mostly training exercises.  On this particular

evening, the sun was going down, and probably I was distracted by the beautiful sunset.  I did

not notice when some of my so called fellow soldiers came at me trying to push me down. I

began kicking and punching, but oddly enough not yelling, for some reason.  I really couldn't

fathom why they would be attacking me, but I felt like I was fighting for my life.  I remember

desperately trying with all my might to beat them off me, but I was helpless against all of them. 

I thought, for sure, this was it, and I was going to die. As some soldiers held me down, others

began to wrap duct tape around my body.  I continued to struggle to free myself from their grip,

but it was no use.  The event ended in my being tightly wrapped with duct tape into a fetal

position.  At first they even put it on my mouth, but then took it off when they saw it obstructed

my breathing.   Finally after awhile another soldier came to my aid and unwrapped me.  I was

free of the duct tape, and I had no physical scars from the incident; however, there were scars on

the inside of my body after that incident that would never completely heal.  Life, as I had known

would never be the same after  that incident.   My life began to change dramatically.  Shortly

thereafter, I began to spiral down into a world of delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations.  My

diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder came a few months later.

Recalling those events, I can understand how some mental health professionals may

conclude that mental health issues could be caused by events in a person’s life. Those events that

I have described certainly had a major impact in how I viewed myself and my life.  I have read

many times that mental health issues are passed down through a family, and that may certainly

be the case for some.  I do not know of any family members before myself being diagnosed with

schizophrenia.  There is benefit in being open to all of the events that make up my life story. 

Openness makes it possible for mental health professionals to diagnose and treat mental illness,

and can lead to an eventual recovery if both doctor and client are willing to talk about those

events.