Fighting Goliath

  My Records vs. Spotify My records are that girl next door you have good conversations with Spotify is that hot blonde in a convertible in paradise Blowing you kisses with a big bank account My records are a cool jazz band relaxing with a load off Spotify is being pampered as you get a massage and pedicure Spotify takes you to Rome My records may be in Jersey You know my records are the first cup of coffee You have been looking forward to since the night before Spotify is sleeping in Honestly, both are a treat I deserve My records are a vanilla cone at Dairy Queen Spotify is a gelato in Florence, Italy Whenever I listen, I fall in love with my records Spotify is just convenient  

  Certainty and Uncertainty of Schizophrenia https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac141               Maybe it would be easier for me to decipher what in my mind is a delusion and what is going on if I lived on a deserted island. However, that is not my reality. I live in an apartment building where I constantly hear my neighbors coming and going rather it is them coming home from work or walking their dogs. I do not always know where the voices in my building are coming from but for the most part I know if the voice is coming from a neighbor or coming from inside my mind.             I am certain when I am in my car, and I hear a voice that it is my schizophrenia. It is the same muffled or quiet like a whisper voice I hear in my bedroom. In my car it is just me, there is no one else around me. I know I would not be able to hear the voice of another driver. In my b...

  Selfcare is a Job             I am blessed that I can live on my own, in my own apartment. I am glad that my parents are just a phone call away if I need to talk about my symptoms or what is going on in my head. I have schizophrenia which is a mental illness, and I must find ways to get through the days. Since I live on my own, I must remember to take my meds. I also must remember to eat and fix my own meals. This kind of selfcare is how I have learned to live my life almost as if it is my job.             I must have a simple routine. There is nothing stopping me from sleeping through the day. There is nothing stopping me from eating a lot of junk food. There is nothing stopping me from disobeying rules and regulations I have set up for myself, but I need to make wise choices for my own wellbeing.             ...

 And in the grips of insanity what carries my hope What keeps me laughing when the voices seem to control my mood? I've often joked, "Once you've lost it, you can't lose it again."  I laugh,  but know one else does Normal-- so boring you might sa. When my imperfections shine  like the lines of poetry I am a writer Unnoticed, However, changed by the real world. In adulthood I value my smile The struggle is beautiful,  once you can look back on it. Now I have settled, But these words might say otherwise.  I am alone in the bliss As a young man  No one told me I would be content at this age. I laugh,  I sing, I dance, But there is still fear that I am trying to ignore-- I ignore, that I might live out loud. 

 I like it when my thoughts calm down After the highs and lows of the trumpet solos After the thumping of the strings from the bass After the beating of the alcoholic's belly from the slouching drums The improv is the language  without a vocalist It all comes together then releases a breath like the clouds rolling away from a thunderous storm created by instigating summer humidity for the rest of us staying cool until bedtime as the thoughts turn off again creating words to sketch for the day  has no regret