Certainty and Uncertainty of Schizophrenia

 

Certainty and Uncertainty of Schizophrenia

https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbac141

 

            Maybe it would be easier for me to decipher what in my mind is a delusion and what is going on if I lived on a deserted island. However, that is not my reality. I live in an apartment building where I constantly hear my neighbors coming and going rather it is them coming home from work or walking their dogs. I do not always know where the voices in my building are coming from but for the most part I know if the voice is coming from a neighbor or coming from inside my mind.

            I am certain when I am in my car, and I hear a voice that it is my schizophrenia. It is the same muffled or quiet like a whisper voice I hear in my bedroom. In my car it is just me, there is no one else around me. I know I would not be able to hear the voice of another driver. In my bedroom if I hear a voice, I usually know it is my schizophrenia. It is is important for me to realize it is not actually going on.

            With the uncertainty of schizophrenia, it is important to not fixate or dwell on what you cannot control. When I am in the front room of my one-bedroom apartment, I cannot always tell what my schizophrenia is and what is a loud neighbor. Sometimes it is obviously my neighbor, talking loudly or walking up and down the steps. When I am uncertain about a voice or delusion, I try to distract myself or block it out with the help of tv, music or amazon is audible. I often hear voices at night. I also get delusions at night.

            At night, sometimes it seems like someone is waiting for me in their car. Sometimes, the car’s headlights are on. When this happens, it feels like there are people watching what I am going to do. Tv helps to distract me, but I sometimes I still look at that car to see if I can tell who is in it. It feels real, but this delusion happens on numerous occasions. I feel like I am being tested. Writing helps me to to distract myself. Just now I realized that if they were out there in their car, they would eventually give up and knock on my door.

            In my schizophrenia it is usually the same people, the same voices, and the same delusions. Sometimes when this is the case apathy helps. A fairly new delusion deals with a local news reporter who feels like she wants to interview me. A voice calls me her white whale. I would not mind being interviewed by her. Sometimes my delusions, are people asking other people who say they know about me. I far for this delusion a lot. It irritates me that I feel like someone wants to talk to me but for whatever reason they do not want to knock on my front door.

            The people who talk to the other people in my world, go away with the wrong idea of me. The people who talk to them call me a hack and stupid. With these uncertain delusions, it helps to open my door. I cannot let these delusions win so distraction is especially important.

            With my schizophrenia like in my apartment building I cannot control what goes on. It is important that I do not let my schizophrenic symptoms control me just like it is important for me not to be confrontational with a loud neighbor.

            I have told a very few of my neighbors that I have schizophrenia. One night two firetrucks came to my building. The fire fighters got out and checked my building for smoke. I was standing outside my door and a fire fighters asked if I smell smoke in my apartment. I told him no. I noticed my neighbors walking their dogs and coming home from work. I felt some paranoia that my neighbors told the fire fighter that the schizophrenic started the fire. This could be the case, but I figured for me it was important that I did not react belligerent or fit someone’s stereotype of schizophrenia. The fire fighter eventually left, and I went back to watching my tv.