A Day Outside My Comfort Zone

 

A Day Outside My Comfort Zone

            I am mindful about my anxieties in a public place or when I drive my car. Anxieties keep me from having a productive day. It is easy for me to just be inside my apartment where I do not have to worry about people talking about me in public. Inside my apartment I do not feel that someone is going to hurt me. However, I have found some ways for me to let my guard down and escape the comfort zone of my apartment.

            I talked to my dad the night before and told him I had an early hair appointment. He suggested I go for breakfast after the appointment. My immediate thought was, “No way.” I remembered the stress of feeling like I had to keep the conversation going at my barber shop so that my barber and the other customers would not think I had some kind of issue going on. That stress would be enough for the day. No, I would just get my hair cut and escape back to my comfort zone.

            The next morning, I woke up before my alarm clock went off and decided to do my laundry. I enjoy doing household chores like laundry and cleaning, because it keeps me busy and it is a good distraction from thinking someone is just outside my door talking trash about me. Besides doing laundry and cleaning my apartment gives me a sense of accomplishment.

            The conversation at the barber shop was about my barber’s relationship with his girlfriend. He had mentioned his girlfriend several times at previous appointments. I do not date, and I feel okay about not being in a relationship myself. My barber is younger than me, and I often tell him that he is a good guy with a decent job and has a good head on his shoulders.

            My barber’s next question came unexpectedly….

            “Are you gay?” he asked.

            He then apologized like it was an insult, but I told him it was fine and let him know I was not offended.

            “I like being alone. I like to come and go as I please.” I answered.

            I did not go into too much detail. I told them I was a mental health advocate, but I did not reveal that I have schizophrenia. I did not tell him that managing the symptoms of schizophrenia occupies most of my life.

            I did not want to dwell on the conversation, so after I left the barbershop, I decided to go on a drive. I have done this before. Normally I have a fear of the unknown while driving. I often pray for help in being aware of my surroundings while I am driving. It would have been easier to just to go home and put away my laundry, but even with my fears, I felt like driving.

            The drive was about two or three miles from my apartment. I went to a stop light then turned around and went home. Letting my guard down and going outside my comfort zone motivated me to get breakfast. The drive, even though it was short, had left me feeling confident, and I was not ready for the day to end. I decided that my dad’s earlier suggestion of breakfast out might be a good idea.

            Parking lots are an even bigger challenge for me. Many accidents occur in parking lots. I go out of my way to check what is behind me, looking over my left shoulder and then my right, and looking at the backup camera. I also did my usual prayer for God to keep me safe.

             When I arrived at the restaurant, I sat at the counter with my back to most of the customers. There were two other men sitting separately at the counter as well. I have been to this restaurant before. It is just a few blocks from my apartment.

When I ordered, I could not help thinking they knew me because I usually order the same breakfast. Waiting for my food, I noticed the busy employees in the kitchen and the other servers filling up their customers’ drinks. I was in a public place wondering about my schizophrenia. I was distracted enough with this thought and observing the other employees that I was not delusional.

My food came, and I remembered my mom’s advice to eat slowly. The combination of anxiety and wanting to go home as quickly as possible made me eat fast, however, I did my best to chew the food well. I enjoyed each bite, paid and went home feeling I had accomplished a lot with laundry, a haircut, and breakfast.

Showing up, getting started, and then getting through can be tough for me. However, I try to remember how great I will feel after I do it. On most days that is my only goal. My anxieties, however, can ruin my motivation and make me feel worthless. I think everyone sometimes must force themselves out of their comfort zone. Schizophrenia or not, life is worth being present for not just on the sidelines inside a closed door.