Fighting Goliath

  Imperfections Monitored    I was too young to understand To young to know Imperfections were monitored Lady said I will never talk normal   She took off the collar Connected by a stream of wires To a machine After it vibrated my harmless voice box   Being a child at the time I thought I was receiving shock treatment   Lady said, I will not talk like the other kids.   She picked the wrong word. I said it the wrong way.   Unable to Repent.   Is that an accent? Strangers would ask often. Am I from New York or Bostan? I would stay quiet. Knowing My voice comes through a pen. Black ink flowing off the page. Since I realized I would never talk like the other kids.

  Handling A Stressful Day             For me, the most important day of the month is when I go to the veteran’s hospital where I get my medication. I wake up before 8am to make sure I get a parking spot. I immediately go to the blood lab where I get blood work done to ensure that I am not experiencing any adverse reactions to my medication.   After my blood has been taken, I go to my appointment with my doctor.   This would be a normal schedule for me.   When things do not go as planned, an interruption in the routine can create stress. Stress can be a trigger for my schizophrenia.   I take deep breathes and deal with other triggers like needing a cup of coffee or something to eat from being hungry.   After a large cup of coffee I go to the mental health waiting room where I wait to see my doctor.               The appointment can vary dep...

  A Positive Detour  Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 44, Issue 5, September 2018, Page 947,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbw070 Sometimes life can take detours for which you had not planned. Coming out of high school and entering college, I thought I would write poetry and fiction as my career. That was a goal I was moving toward. In many ways I was wearing blinders, but the only thing I cared about was the written word. I spent hours jotting poetry in a spiral notebook that was not far away from my back pocket. I figured I was not going to be a best-selling writer, but I enjoyed the high that came from a single line that provided temporary inspiration. Suddenly a slap to the face knocked the blinders from my eyes. I received a diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. How would this detour affect my writing? In the beginning stages of recovery, I felt no inspiration to write. It was more than a mental block—I lost my inspiration. My inspiration took the form of del...

  How I made the Decision Not to Have Children Schizophrenia Bulletin , Volume 45, Issue 6, November 2019, Page 1167,  https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sby102 Published:  02 July 2018   It isn’t because I don’t like kids, because I do.   I get excited with my friends when they post pictures of their kids on social network.   They are beautiful, and I can see that family means so much to my friends.   The best job I ever had was a pre-school teacher’s aide before I joined the Army. Every day was something new with these kids- finger painting, building blocks, singing, and laughing. Watching them learn new ideas and catch on to new concepts was thrilling.   They called me Mr. Jason--what a great title!   As much as I loved being around those pre-schoolers, I made the permanent decision not to have children of my own.             I can't help, however, wondering about the positive ...

  A Gift in Words             Awhile back in the isolating times of Covid coupled with national unrest, most people in our country need to be lifted through words of affirmation that we speak to each other. Add mental illness to life’s uncertainty, and it is like dousing a fire with gasoline.   My mental illness has taught me to be mindful of what some may view as the little things of life--a dash of sun in the chill of winter, a slice of pizza, or a cup of recharging coffee, or perhaps a compliment.             Every month I must go to the Veteran’s hospital for a blood check and to get my medication. I do not necessarily look forward to the trip, because I must wake up at 7am. It is, however, nice to get out of my apartment routine and see real people. Even though I do talk to my parents daily by phone, it is reassuring to be face to face with my psychiatrist and...

  Understanding My Personal Schizophrenia https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbad166               Twenty years have passed since I started recovery from my schizophrenia. Those years have taught me many lessons about my diagnosis, and my purpose in life now is to use those learned lessons to help others who have recently been diagnosed. One of the important lessons I have learned over the years is that everyone’s mental health journey is different. We all may have the same symptoms, but those symptoms may vary widely depending on the person. The right treatment plan has helped me to manage my symptoms, even though my medication does not take away my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. My brain disease is incurable, but it is not an excuse for me to be irresponsible or to give up on life.               One of my medications causes weight gain. On...