Lessons Learned from Checking the Evidence

 

Lessons Learned from Checking the Evidence

Schizophrenia Bulletin, sba109

https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbaf109

            Last night there were two police cars in the parking lot of my apartment. Being near the police is often a trigger for my paranoia. I have a delusion that the police are waiting for me to run so they can catch me and put me in prison for something I may have done in my late teens and twenties. On this occasion, their blue lights were on, and I could see them outside my window, and I thought they were looking at me.

            I continuously looked out my window until finally I went back to watching my TV. I eventually decided they must know where I am so if they want me, they can get me. However, no one knocked on my door or called me. I got swept up in the game show I was watching, and when I went back to the window the police had left. Then it hit me… I had forgotten about the police and began to wonder if they were not in the parking lot looking for me, then why were they there in the first place?

            One of the ways I have learned to manage my symptoms of schizoaffective disorder is to check the evidence.  I opened my front door just to figure out what was going on. My upstairs neighbor was coming down the stairs. Earlier when the police were here, I thought I heard his voice telling the police that I was a good guy. Then I thought the police said something to the extent they were trying to put me in prison for years. They thought I moved to South Carolina to get away from the Virginia police. When I saw my neighbor that paranoid thinking went away.

            “Did you see the police?” He asked me.

            “Yeah,” I said, but I did not want to tell him that I thought they were there for me.

            My neighbor went on to say, “Some couple across the street were arguing.”

            “I saw a fire truck and ambulance over there last night,” I replied.

             My neighbor went on to say that the couple had some relationship issues in the past.

            The conversation between my neighbor and myself after my delusional incident was not a moving or prolific conversation but resulted in a feeling of calm sweeping over me. Without knowing it, my neighbor had reassured me that the police and firetruck were not there for me. Checking the evidence resulted in alleviating my paranoia and my delusional thinking.

            It is sometimes difficult, but I try my best to not fit people’s stereotype of schizophrenia. By not being reclusive or seen talking to myself, I try to be approachable and to be a productive member of society. Today since 1 to 4 people have a mental illness, when meeting someone, chances are they will have a mental illness, or they know someone who has a mental health diagnosis.

            I had struck up a conversation with this neighbor before. Like me, he had been in the military. When I learned that he, too, had served our country, immediately I felt a connection, so I was not afraid to tell him I was not in the army for very long because I had experienced hazing which pretty much “broke me.”

            His response was to say, “Sounds like that was a traumatic experience for you.”

            My neighbor went on to say his dad and brother were in the military, and afterwards his brother had made the decision to take his life. Learning this gave me the reassurance that I could give up some of my secrets that I do not usually go into when I meet someone new.

            I even said, “It is always nice to find a friend.”

            We have gotten to know each other better. We found out that we both like music and we both collect vinyl records. I invited him to my apartment so he could see my jazz collection, something of which I was immensely proud.

            Usually when I talk to a neighbor in my apartment building it is just not a long conversation. I might comment on the weather or just ask How are you? It is hard for me to talk to people. I really have to go outside my comfort zone. However, going outside my comfort zone allows me to live out loud. By living out loud do not have to react to what I am hearing in my mind or behind closed doors. Behind closed door sometimes it seems like people are talking negatively about me but when I see them face to face, I do not get a sense of ill will against me. Sometimes I get a sense that they are happy to see me. As one who has been a mental health consumer for a number of years, striking up casual conversations with neighbors can have great benefits.

            That small conversation about the couple across the street helped me out so much. That moment when my paranoia vanished because my neighbor knew why the police were there not only relieved my paranoia, but it also allowed us to continue our interactions on a different level. Had I stayed in my comfort zone and just stayed to myself chances are I would still be paranoid after the police and fire truck left. Taking a step to check the evidence gave me a great opportunity to spend a little time in a social setting, on the stairwell. So do not stay a stranger and get to know your neighbors. Small talk may be a baby step that leads to deeper friendships.