My Impulsivity

 

My Impulsivity

Schizophrenia Bulletin Open, volume 5, Issue 1, January 2024, sgae014

http://doi.org/10.1093/schizobullopen/sgae014

 

            I often wonder why I feel the need to post on social media when my post will sometimes be considered insignificant. Is it just the instant gratification of seeing if people agree with me? How productive is it really when I share my story online repeatedly?

            I googled my mental illness recently and learned something new about my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. I learned that impulsiveness can be a characteristic of schizophrenia. I quickly recognized impulsivity as a problem in my social media posts. Like many, I want instant gratification from others when I share my thoughts about mental illness online. Even reading about impulsivity, I felt the immediate need to post about my own impulsivity.

            In the past I had been warned by my editor about impulsive posting, but I just shrugged it off, thinking I knew better. Recently I have been thinking about posting the minute an idea pops into my head, but I need to take the time to think clearly about every post. Will it help my reader? Is it accurate? Do I really have to talk about my schizophrenia every day? Am I being putting myself on display as a mentally ill person, and not as a schizophrenia advocate, which I am proud of being? We are not all famous, but I often incorrectly assume my last online post will give me the credibility I desire. My validation comes from the number of “likes” I see after my posts.

            As a man living with schizophrenia, I have to understand my schizophrenia and do my best to be more productive off screen. I can use my impulsivity to be positive in my writing. Going forward, I want to be firm with myself about posting impulsively. I can go outside for a walk, cultivating the thought before I post it online. Even a good night’s sleep can change whether or not I decide to post my thoughts about my mental illness.

People like to be heard. Three things I try to convey in my advocacy is that schizophrenia can be treated, recovery is possible, and you are not alone. For me I do not know how I feel about being out there for the world to see, at least for now. I need a good night’s sleep to think about it. Maybe I will post this thought tomorrow, or maybe not.

           

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Taking on Goliath

    My First Person Accounts of my Schizophrenia                                                 Invisible Scars   Soon after I entered the world, I received my first scar.  As an infant I had pyloric stenosis, a blockage between the stomach and small intestines.  I'm told that it was a rather simple fix, but it did leave a large scar on the right side of my abdomen.  As a child the scar was more of a curiosity than anything else.  I remember making up funny stories to tell my friends about how I got the scar such as "I was wounded in a shark attack." As I grew older there would be other accidents that left scars as reminders of milestones in my life.   There were scars on my legs and elbows from my time as a high school athlete playing lacrosse, basketball, baseball,...
Read more

Relating to a Person Living with Schizophrenia

  Relating to a Person Living with Schizophrenia  Schizophrenia Bulletin, Volume 42, Issue 5, September 2016, Pages 1081-1082, https://doi.org/10.1093/schbul/sbt004 published: 13 February 2013 The only thing you had to eat was a breakfast bar or granola bar. Suddenly, you notice it is time to go home from work so you do. You sit down in your comfortable chair and start to watch TV while trying to figure out what you are going to eat for dinner. A Papa John’s commercial comes on. You are glued to the screen. Your mouth starts to water, and you now can taste pizza with 6 kinds of cheeses, pepperoni, and sausage. Another example is: You are in your bed, in a deep sleep. In your dreams, you are running for president. Your speeches are an inspiration, your mannerisms are emulated, and people cry out your name. You might even feel famous (in your dreams). Abruptly, you are woken up and for a split second, you still feel the aspirations of your supporters. Yet, there is no ...
Read more

Filling Holes So People Don't Trip

  Filling Holes So People Don’t Trip     I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it does get better. Today, my words are my advocacy, and my advocacy is my legacy. There have been times in life that have made me cry, and also other times that have made me smile. I learned that holding onto the past and negativity can become a heavy burden that I am not willing to bear. I am middle -age now, and I realize I will not live forever, so I want to make a difference wherever I can.             In my life, I have been a teacher’s aide, a dishwasher, a soldier, and now a writer. I am not wealthy, nor do I ever expect to have great wealth, but I value the experiences that have taught me lessons during my life. With all my experience, I have concluded that my purpose is to fill holes that have been left for someone else to trip over. There have been various times in life where if I did not do my best to fill these ...
Read more